Elul 57something

Elul 57something

I guess you can tell how out of touch you are

When you don‘t know for sure what day it is

You know the moth is Elul/September

And you‘re not sure if it‘s 5779 or 5780…

But it’s Elul

And I’m over it.

Again.

I couldn’t remember who the second witness was on our ketubah

Maybe Sarra?

I had to go check

I dug through my drawer of memories

Looking for that torn and rolled up piece of

Broken promises.

I got the Michelle side.

Gוess I’ll have to wonder.

So I start reading my half

Remembering the sounds of our voices from the wedding video trailer

Like it was yesterday

Because it was...practically

And because I showed it to my mom and Robert and Jackie and Kevan at dinner 3 weeks ago

    at the dining room table

    at Villa Splendid

Kevan even took a picture of us hovering around my phone.

And I remembered the agonizing hours at Sarra‘s house

And how much i fucking hated this 

ברית אהובים

This lover’s covenant

Because it lost the magic in the 

editing 

and the rewriting 

and the process felt like a fate worse than

Monogamy

And i tried to read it again…

without thinking

Fuck you Jacob 

and fuck you too Sarra 

and fuck you all for not trying harder to stop me

gotta hand it to the ones who tried 

Dad 

Sharon

But worst of all...fuck me.

FML, right Ez?

Because you were right, Terry—

it’s not your fault that we lost our kids 

it’s not because you sent Jacob screenshots of our texts that ended up as Plaintiff exhibits A, B, and C in the ex parte hearing that granted Jacob sole legal and physical custody on July 24th 2018–

the day after Raziel turned 5 months old—

4 months after I had to tell the social worker that our fights became physical 

and you were

literally 

throwing tables, water bottles, and fucking

dog shit 

at my face 

while I held our newborn 

after i pushed you away 

because he was crying 

and you were screaming at me 

and you bit me so hard i had bruises for days 

and i scratched your face 

and we behaved like primal, caged animals

because i stopped taking my bipolar meds 

because I didn’t want to sleep through 

another 

fucking 

decade 

of my life.

Then you said the sentence that I will 

never 

ever 

forget:

I didn’t give him everything he needed to take your kids away from you, Nehama.

You did.

So it’s Elul and I don’t think i can ask 

One

More

Time 

and I can’t say I’m sorry enough for everything i did 

Both knowingly and unknowingly 

על חרא שחטאתי לפניכם 

Oops, Freudian slip—Hebrew typo

על חטא

So I have to resort to you—

#g!dnotG-d

Hashem

Master of the Universe 

(who says that and doesn’t hear “HE-MAN! And the MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE...echo...echo..echo...no wonder i don’t believe in that dualistic crap)

To the man up there on that cross, cuz i know he got off, cuz he was there in my old house, held me close to his side..as i hid there behind our couch...the night that my parents died 

(tears streaming immediately every time—because i was on the couch, not behind it, when my parents died—dead to me at least—and i didn’t have my own personal Jesus to save me—from him...or him...or him...or him…)

(I found atheism at 8 and lesbianism at 16 for a reason)

Because I’m out of other options 

and because some days all I’ve got to say is 

Hasa diga Eebowai!

Maybe by the time Rosh Hashanah rolls in,

I’ll get back to you

Get back to trying to feel the hole 

instead of trying to fill it.

Get back to being one of the 7 beggars

Trying to get home on the eagles feathers

And I’ll lift my eyes to the mountains and cry out:

ועל כולם, אלוה סליחות 

סלח לנו

מחל לנו

כפר לנו